Anything But Love Page 11

  “See you there.”

  A few minutes later, the door closed behind her and he had the suite to himself. He made coffee and spent some time with his smartphone, catching up on email and social media.

  But it was hard to concentrate when thoughts of Jessica kept popping up. The way her hair shone in the sun . . . the way she’d looked at dinner last night . . . that kiss in the ocean.

  He also remembered the girl who’d preferred animals to people and who’d worn a dolphin necklace all through sixth grade.

  When she was ten, she’d started giving her birthday money to the Wildlife Foundation. They had a program where you could symbolically “adopt” an animal species, and Jessica had asked friends and family to donate in her name in lieu of Christmas gifts. The walls of her bedroom had been covered with pictures of tigers and polar bears and elephants—and, of course, dolphins.

  Bermuda’s dolphin program took place on the western part of the island, and the quickest way to get there was by ferry from Hamilton. Ben took a bus into town and bought his ticket. As the boat motored away from the dock, he found himself recalling a short story Jessica had written for English class once. It was about a mermaid whose best friend was a dolphin.

  The memory made him smile. Even if this was the only thing she got out of her trip, he was very glad she’d decided to go.

  The dolphins—there were a dozen of them, according to the sheet Jessica had given him—lived in an enclosed lagoon. When he arrived at the program office, they directed him out to the habitat.

  After he sat down on a bench near the edge of the water, he saw Jessica and someone else—a trainer, he assumed—come out of a low building on the other side of the lagoon. They were chatting away like old friends, and Jessica was carrying a bucket of . . .

  Fish?

  Of course, it made sense that a day with dolphins would include fish at some point. But somehow, he would never have expected to see Jessica carrying a bucketful of them.

  There was a wooden dock extending out into the middle of the lagoon. Jessica and the other woman, both wearing black bathing suits and red floating vests, sat down with their legs dangling over the side. Suddenly a smooth gray head—no, two—popped up in the water.

  Jessica and the other woman held out their hands, and the dolphins swam closer—close enough for the two women to hold their heads and kiss their noses.

  Noses? Was that the right term?

  After the kisses, they held their hands higher up and farther apart, which apparently was the signal for the dolphins to come farther up out of the water, offering their fins to their human companions. For a few minutes the women held on to the dolphins’ fins in a kind of dance, and then the dolphins dipped back down into the water before coming up again.

  Now Jessica reached into the bucket, pulled out two fish, and tossed them to her friends.

  Not only had she carried a bucketful of fish, but now she was getting her hands dirty—not to mention smelly—with them.

  And Ben had never seen her happier.

  He’d seen flashes of pleasure in Jess during the past few days, but this was something else. She’d had fun at the cricket match yesterday, but this was pure joy.

  He leaned forward, captivated. She was eager, enthusiastic, alive, with a smile that lit up her face like sunshine.

  She should look like this all the time.

  Then she turned her head and caught sight of him, and her face glowed even brighter. She waved at him and he waved back.

  The trainer said something to her, and then Jessica slid into the water. She started to swim, accompanied by one of the dolphins, and the two of them seemed alike somehow—fast and graceful and full of joy. Ben decided he could never get tired of watching Jessica like this.

  In her element.

  Ten minutes later the program ended and Jessica went into the building to change. When she reappeared in her shorts and T-shirt, her wet hair braided down her back, she came hurrying over to him.

  “Hey,” she said breathlessly. “Oh, I’m so glad you came. It was a wonderful day.” She smiled up at him, still glowing.

  “I can tell,” he said. An impulse made him take her hand as they left the lagoon area and headed for the exit.

  She didn’t seem to mind—or maybe she was too happy to notice. “I didn’t think the experience would live up to my expectations,” she said. “Nothing ever does, right? But it was even better than I thought it would be. Do you know dolphins are right behind humans in terms of brain size? When you interact with them, you really feel their intelligence. Their personality. They’re so playful . . .”

  She continued talking as they made their way to the ferry, with him asking questions whenever she paused for breath. After they’d boarded the boat and taken seats in the bow, he said to her, “You should do this.”

  They were sitting side by side, and he still held her hand in his. The ferry pulled away from the dock and the breeze picked up, tugging a strand of pale blonde hair out of Jessica’s braid.

  She tucked it behind her ear. “Do what?”

  “Something with dolphins, or the ocean, or animals. You could buy a boat and sail around the world. Or go back to school and study marine biology like you always wanted. Or you could join the ASPCA, or become a veterinarian.”

  She kept her eyes forward, not looking at him. “Just like that, huh?”

  He squeezed her hand. “Not just like that. I know it won’t be easy to figure out your next steps. But you’re smart and you’re passionate, and when you’re doing something you love, you’re like a bolt of pure energy. That light is going to make the world a better place, Jess. You just have to figure out how you want to focus it.”

  She was still looking out at the water. “How is someone like me going to make the world a better place?”

  “Are you kidding?” He shifted on the bench and took her shoulders, pulling her around to face him. “All you have to do is be yourself. The woman I just saw swimming with dolphins will make the world a better place. You just have to decide how. What do you have to lose?”

  She stared at him. “I don’t—I’ve never—” She shook her head. “That’s not how I live my life.”

  “I know. But don’t you think it’s time to make a change?” He paused. “That night at the reception, you said you felt empty. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Your goal used to be meeting other people’s expectations. Fitting in, making your parents happy, satisfying someone else’s standards of good behavior. But that can be part of your past. Starting right now, this very minute, you can decide to take a different path. Even if it’s hard, even if it seems crazy, you can decide to do something you love.”

  For a long moment they just looked at each other. Ben kept his hands on Jessica’s shoulders, wanting her to feel the warmth and solidity of another person’s presence. Wanting her to know she wasn’t alone.

  Finally she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I wouldn’t know where to start.”

  He smiled. “Why don’t you do what you did when you were a kid? Make a list. Write down all the things you could do with your life, even if they sound impossible. Start there. Then narrow it down to the things that make you feel the most alive, the most excited, the most happy. Then make new lists, lists of the steps you’d need to take to get there.”

  Jessica looked at him, and he got the feeling she wasn’t thinking about her own life anymore.

  He got the feeling she was thinking about him.

  “Is this how you talk to your students?” she asked. “No wonder they love you.”

  He shook his head. “They don’t all love me. These are teenagers we’re talking about.”

  She smiled. “I know about your Teacher of the Year award. Remember?”

  He brushed that off. “We’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about you—and all the new lists you’re going to make.”

  “I’ll think about it. Okay? That’s the best I can do right now.”

&nb
sp; “All right,” he said, taking his hands from her shoulders. “I can live with that.”

  They sat in silence for a moment, looking out at the ocean and feeling the wind on their faces. The sun, behind them, struck golden sparks off the blue water.

  “I’m sorry if I got intense,” he said after a minute. “When I saw how happy you were today . . .” He shook his head. “I wish you could look like that all the time.”

  “I know.”

  There was an undercurrent in her voice he didn’t understand. He turned his head, and she was looking straight ahead with an odd look on her face.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked.

  When she met his eyes, he noticed that hers were the color of the sea. “I’m making a list in my head,” she said. “Just like you suggested. Things I could do to make me feel alive, and what I need to do to get there.”

  They arrived back at the hotel a couple of hours before dinner.

  Ben seemed a little restless. “I think I’m going to check out the hotel fitness center,” he said. “Do you want to come?”

  Jessica shook her head. “I might do some snorkeling later. I rented gear for you, too, if you’re interested.”

  “Yeah, that probably won’t happen. Snorkeling’s not my thing. I tried to breathe with one of those masks on once and it felt claustrophobic.”

  Jessica sat down on the bed and smiled at him. “That’s because you have control issues.”

  He was fishing around in one of the bureau drawers for workout clothes, but now he straightened up and stared at her. “What are you talking about? I don’t have control issues.”

  “I know, I know—I’m the one with control issues. That’s the story, right? And yes, I definitely have them. But you’ve never admitted that you have them, too.”

  “That’s because I don’t,” he said firmly.

  “Uh-huh. Don’t you remember when I taught you to swim? It took me weeks to convince you to put your head in the water. And the only reason I was teaching you in the first place was because you refused to take lessons when you were little. Your parents practically begged me to get you in the pool.”

  “That’s not because I had control issues. I had water issues. And I’ve gotten over them.”

  Jessica reached down beside the bed, grabbed one of the snorkel masks she’d rented, and held it up.

  “Okay, I’ve mostly gotten over them. When did you become such an expert on this stuff, anyway?”

  “Because of all my control issues,” Jessica said. “I recognize the signs.”

  “I see.” Ben grinned at her. “Well, I’m still not going snorkeling with you.”

  “Snorkeling to you is like dessert for me. I let you talk me into having that sundae, didn’t I?”

  “You only had one bite. And hot fudge sundaes are way more tempting than snorkeling.”

  “You only say that because you’ve never been. I’m telling you, it’s wonderful.”

  “Not as wonderful as ice cream.”

  “You can’t say that until you’ve tried both.”

  “Man, you’re persistent. I think I’m going to end this argument the old-fashioned way—by going to the gym.” He stuffed his workout clothes into a bag and headed for the door, pausing with his hand on the knob. “See you later, Jess.”

  Once he was gone, Jessica went to the window to watch him stride up the path toward the hotel. As her eyes followed him until he was out of sight, she found herself smiling.

  Something had happened to her on that ferry this afternoon. The joy the dolphins had sparked in her had combined with the joy of being around Ben until it felt like she was lit from within. Never in her life had she felt like that—like she had access to enough joy to drive out every last bit of darkness inside her.

  She remembered the intensity in Ben’s brown eyes when he’d looked at her on the ferry, pouring out his faith in the human spirit—his faith in her—as though his own conviction and certainty could overcome her lack of those things. As though he could fuel her with his strength and courage and vitality.

  And it had worked. Just like that night at the reception, she’d felt possibility ignite within her. That night, it had been the possibility of taking her honeymoon trip without Tom, of spending ten days doing things just because she wanted to. Today, it was the possibility that she might have something to contribute to the world. The possibility of a meaningful future. A future doing something she loved—even if she wasn’t quite sure what that would be.

  But before she could tackle that enormous task, there was something else she wanted to do.

  Because Ben was right. She could choose a different path. She could choose to live a life of passion.

  Including sexual passion.

  For too long she’d settled for relationships without it. Sex had always been something she’d done because it was expected, not because she enjoyed it.

  It wasn’t that she hated it. It had always felt okay, if not spectacular. Sometimes she’d feel turned on and start to think that maybe, finally, she’d be able to experience the physical passion that her friends talked about. But inevitably, at some point, her excitement would fade into a kind of detachment.

  She’d decided a while ago that sexual ecstasy would never be part of her life. But now, for the first time, the possibility of physical passion felt real.

  And it was something she wanted. Not just when she was drunk and acting on impulse, when she could tell herself afterward that she wasn’t responsible for her actions. She could choose passion. She could choose to be with a man who made her feel alive.

  She could choose to be with Ben.

  She’d wanted him since before she understood what that meant, and tonight she was going to have him.

  But the thought of seducing him felt impossible. The thought of kissing him when she was sober was terrifying. She had so much baggage when it came to sex . . . there was no way she could pretend she was a normal woman with a normal, healthy sexuality. Not without alcohol, anyway.

  There was really only one solution. She would tell Ben what she needed in a clear, coherent way, and ask for his help. And while that approach might be completely unsexy, she was sure—say ninety percent sure—that he wouldn’t turn her down.

  He had a savior complex, after all. He loved to fix people.

  And she was a woman who needed fixing.

  She thought about suggesting room service for dinner instead of the restaurant, but talking to Ben in a public setting might actually make the conversation easier. She’d be less inclined to give way to embarrassing emotion, and more likely to make her case in a straightforward manner.

  She dressed in navy-blue slacks and a sleeveless white blouse. She put her hair up and kept her makeup simple, the way she would at a business meeting.

  She asked the maître d’ if they could have a table in a quiet corner. Once they were seated, she glanced around, determining that the nearest diners weren’t close enough to hear their conversation. She waited until the waiter had taken their order, and then folded her hands on the table.

  “So,” she said. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

  She kept her voice casual, even businesslike. It was all in the presentation, she’d decided. She would sound like a rational woman who’d come to a decision about solving a problem.

  “So you said on the way here.” He imitated her posture, folding his hands and placing them on the table. “Are you looking for legal advice?”

  She cleared her throat. “Neither of us has had any alcohol today.”

  Ben nodded gravely. “That’s true. Does this mean you’re planning to seduce me?”

  His tone was teasing, since nothing about the atmosphere or their dynamic resembled a seduction scenario. But that couldn’t be helped. She had to do it this way, at least in the beginning.

  “Yes,” she said.

  He blinked. “Okay, I think I’m missing something.”

  “You are. Let me explain.�
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  She paused. She’d rehearsed this so carefully, planned what she would say and how she would say it. But now that it had come to the point, the words stuck in her throat.

  “I have something to tell you, but I need to do this a certain way. Will you promise not to say anything until I’ve finished? I need you to just sit and listen. Can you do that?”

  “Of course,” he said after a moment, looking puzzled. “Whatever you need.”

  “Okay. Good.”

  She couldn’t do this while looking at him, so she looked down at her hands instead.

  “So.” She paused. “So.”

  Her heart was pounding and her stomach was in knots. But somehow, some way, she had to get through this.

  What happens in Bermuda stays in Bermuda, she reminded herself. After this trip, she and Ben never had to see each other again.

  “Okay. So.” She squeezed her hands into fists and took a deep breath. “I have a problem with sex.”

  Silence.

  After a moment she risked a glance up. Ben’s brown eyes were opaque and his expression was neutral, and she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. But he was listening and he wasn’t laughing at her. So far so good.

  She looked down at the table again. “I’m not a virgin or anything. I mean, I’ve had sex, but it’s hard for me to . . . enjoy it. In fact, I don’t. At least, I never have.” She took a breath. “After a while I got tired of boyfriends calling me frigid or deciding I must be cheating on them or just losing interest, and I stopped dating. But when you don’t date, your friends and family wonder what’s wrong, and they try to fix you up with guys they think would be perfect for you, and . . . well, I got tired of that, too. So that’s why I . . .”

  “Got engaged to Tom?”

  She glanced up quickly, but Ben didn’t look or sound like he was judging her. She took a deep breath and went on, but this time she kept her eyes on his.

  “Yes. Of course, there were a lot of other reasons for that decision. But one of them, for me, was this problem. With sex. I was tired of dealing with it, and the potential reward didn’t seem worth the investment, to be honest. So I was glad to be out of all that. But now . . . now that the marriage isn’t happening . . . I thought that maybe . . .”