Tamsin Read online

  “If you tell me what’s so bad about wanting to sleep with someone on a first date.”

  “There’s nothing bad about it. I just didn’t want to.”

  “You mean you didn’t want me.”

  “That’s not—”

  “Why can’t you just say it? A kiss like a volcano, and you didn’t want anything more? We both know the reason. The truth is, I’m not pure enough to touch your penis. You’ll go out with me, but just to show me how a real gentleman does things. You’ll even kiss me—although that part was my idea. But you won’t sleep with me. Because I’m tainted.”

  Is that really what she thinks?

  If anyone in here is tainted, it’s me. I may be sure God can love people no matter what, but I’m not so confident about human beings.

  There’s nothing sexy about being the victim of molestation. If Tamsin knew the truth, she’d feel sorry for me, because she’s a good person.

  But she wouldn’t want to date me. Because I’m tainted.

  I can’t tell her any of that, and I can’t think of anything else to say. But before the silence gets awkward, Tamsin shakes her head.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to talk about this. That’s not why I came back to look for you.”

  “Why did you come back?”

  She sighs. “To say we should forget about Saturday night. Or at least, we should forget it was supposed to be a date. We should remember that we both love Tom Waits, that we hate vegan food, and that the French fries at Jimmy’s are the best in town. And we should be friends.”

  Friends.

  Well, that’s great. That’s what I think, too.

  Isn’t it?

  There are so many reasons for us not to be a couple. All the differences between us. All the ways I’m screwed up.

  So why don’t those things seem real right now?

  Sitting here staring at Tamsin, there’s only one thing in the world that seems real.

  I get up and cross the space between us.

  “I don’t want to be friends with you.”

  She looks hurt for just a moment, and then her chin comes up.

  “Well, then—”

  “I want to be more than friends with you.”

  Her eyes widen. I step close, my thighs touching her knees, and when her legs part I step into the cradle between them.

  She’s wearing a skirt, and it’s up around her hips now. The only thing separating my hard-on from her body are my pants and her underwear.

  Tamsin stares at me, her lips parted. I can actually see her pupils dilate.

  Her breath is coming faster. There are only a few inches between her mouth and mine.

  “I don’t believe you,” she whispers. “If that was true, you wouldn’t have—”

  I lean in and kiss her.

  Everything about her is soft. Her lips, her skin, her breasts against my chest.

  She’s so soft it almost kills me.

  The kiss is gentle at first, because I’m half-afraid of breaking her.

  But when her legs wrap around my waist and her arms lock around my neck, everything changes.

  Our mouths open and our tongues meet. Electricity rocks my whole body.

  It feels like we’re trying to get inside each other, and for the first time in my life I’m not afraid of that.

  When this kiss started I was afraid of bruising her. But now all I can think of is devouring her.

  I can’t get enough. When she breaks the kiss, gasping for breath, I drag my mouth down her neck to the hollow of her throat.

  I get the whole vampire thing now. Because I want to bite Tamsin right here, right where her pulse is thrumming. I want to drink her essence until we’re made of the same thing. Until we breathe the same air and bleed the same blood.

  I kiss the place instead, tasting the hint of salt on her skin.

  She shudders in my arms.

  “Daniel…”

  The sound of her saying my name explodes my few remaining brain cells. Before I know what’s happening she’s on her back and I’m above her, my body crushing hers, my cock as desperate as the rest of me.

  Maybe something’s changed. Maybe enough time has gone by. Maybe I’m finally ready to have sex with someone.

  No, not someone.

  Tamsin.

  But then she reaches down between us and takes me in her hand, and I jump back like I was shot.

  Fuck.

  It happened so fast. My body reacted before I could.

  Fuck.

  I’m standing a foot or two back from the stage now, staring at Tamsin and panting. She raises herself up on her elbows and stares back at me, her face flushed and her lips swollen. Her hair is mussed and her skirt is up around her waist and she looks so beautiful right now I can’t stand it.

  “Sorry,” I manage to say, and she shakes her head.

  “No, you’re right. Someone could walk in any second. We just got carried away.”

  She thinks I was worried about someone catching us. Thank God for that.

  She sits up now, straightening her skirt and running her hands through her hair. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, and I’m suddenly very conscious of her small, perfect breasts under her Ramones shirt.

  I remember exactly how they felt crushed against my chest.

  “Do you…” she pauses, her expression uncertain.

  “What?”

  She looks like she’s taking her courage in both hands. “Do you want to come back to my dorm? Rikki’s probably staying with Sam tonight. We could, um, have the place to ourselves.”

  I’m so concerned with my own hang-ups it would be easy to miss the look on Tamsin’s face. But I force myself to focus on her, because I don’t want to screw up again.

  She’s risking rejection. She’s totally vulnerable right now.

  Don’t fuck this up.

  I close the distance between us again and take her right hand in both of mine. Then I raise it to my lips and kiss it.

  When I meet her eyes again, she’s smiling.

  “Such a romantic.”

  I keep hold of her hand. It’s small and warm and soft in mine.

  “Do you believe I want to be more than friends with you?”

  She nods slowly.

  “Okay, good. Because here’s the thing. I want to be more than friends with you. But I can’t.”

  She looks confused, but at least she doesn’t look hurt or rejected.

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m a virgin.”

  Her eyes widen.

  “You…” She stops and tries again. “You are?”

  I nod.

  “Okay,” she says after a moment. “I’m trying to wrap my mind around this. Just give me a minute here.”

  “Take all the time you need. But you asked me if I was a virgin on Saturday night. A part of you must have suspected.”

  “If a part of me suspected, the other part thought I was crazy. I mean, you’re the sexiest guy I’ve ever met, and it seems insane that no woman has jumped your bones yet. But aside from that, why would being a virgin mean we can’t be together?”

  I smile slowly. “I’m the sexiest guy you’ve ever met?”

  “Can you answer my question, please?”

  I can’t tell her all the truth. But I can tell her part of the truth.

  “A guy is supposed to know what he’s doing.”

  She stares at me. “Seriously?”

  “Yeah.”

  She thinks about that for a moment.

  “Okay. Well. Granting that premise—which I don’t, by the way—I have a convenient solution to this problem. Once we have sex, you’ll know what you’re doing.”

  God, I wish it was that simple.

  “I see where you’re coming from. But, Tamsin…think about it for a second. You’ve got experience and I don’t. If we sleep together, you’ll be like my teacher or something. That’s not sexy or romantic or—”

  She was smiling at me a moment ago, but no
w her smile fades.

  “So I’m being punished for having sexual experience.”

  “No! That’s not—”

  “Yes, it is. Because if I was a virgin, we could have a relationship.”

  I stare at her. Is she right? If she was a virgin, would things be different?

  Yes…and no. Yes because we’d both be beginners, which seems like a better foundation for a relationship. No because my own history would still be sick and rotten with what happened to me when I was twelve.

  But that can’t be part of our conversation.

  “I don’t mean it like that. I don’t care that you’re not a virgin. I don’t care how many guys you’ve slept with.” I take a breath. “Do you want the truth? Your experience is sexy. You’re sexy. You’re the sexiest fucking woman I’ve ever known.”

  Her eyes are searching mine like she’s trying to figure me out.

  “You said if I teach you about sex, that would mess with your whole gender role thing where the guy is supposed to have more experience than the girl.”

  “Well…yeah. Maybe that sounds old-fashioned but—”

  “I don’t know if old-fashioned is the word I’d use, but whatever. The point is that it sounds like we can’t be together either way.”

  I’m not sure what’s she’s getting at.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, if we decide to be friends we won’t be together. And if we decide to have sex, you’re saying we still can’t be together. Not romantically.”

  “Um…”

  “So here’s what I’m thinking. Since we can either have sex and not be in a relationship or not have sex and not be in a relationship, why not go for option number one?”

  I’m sure there’s a flaw in this logic.

  “But if we do that…if we have sex…then we won’t be friends. I mean, how can you be friends with someone you’re sleeping with?”

  She levels those gray eyes at me. “We’re not friends now, Daniel. We want each other too much. You think that’ll go away?”

  I look back at her. Her cheeks are still flushed and her lips are still swollen, and for the first time I notice her nipples through her T-shirt.

  “No,” I say after a moment. “I don’t think that’ll go away.”

  Our hands are still clasped together. Now Tamsin pulls hers away and slides off the stage. Her boots don’t have heels, and the top of her head barely clears my chest.

  “I have a suggestion,” she says, her head tilted back as she looks at me. “Do you want to hear it?”

  She’s smiling, and there’s a wicked gleam in her eye.

  “Okay.”

  “Let me be your teacher. Unless you’re planning to stay a virgin the rest of your life, you’ll have to figure this whole sex thing out at some point, right? So figure it out with me. No strings attached, no relationship necessary. Just sex.”

  There might be a guy somewhere who could resist that offer, made by the sexiest, sweetest, most beguiling girl in the universe, but I can’t.

  I’m still worried about my hang-ups and my past. But Tamsin’s right. I’ve got to figure out a way past that shit sometime, and why not do it with the girl I’ve wanted from the moment I first saw her?

  “Okay,” I say.

  She blinks. “Seriously?”

  I feel like I’ve just stepped off the edge of a cliff.

  “Yeah.”

  She lays her hands flat on my chest, and I wonder if she can feel my heart pounding.

  “You won’t regret this decision, Daniel Bowman. I’m going to give a whole new meaning to the phrase sex ed. Now, just to give me some background—you’ve obviously kissed girls before. I mean, no one can kiss like you do without experience.”

  At least she thinks I’m a good kisser.

  “Yeah.”

  “And I remember our first Experiments in Drama class, when you revealed your favorite thing to do in bed with someone.

  I swallow. “Yeah.”

  “Are you any good at it?”

  An image floods my mind. Tamsin’s on the stage again, lying on her back with her skirt up around her hips. But this time, I slide her panties off and go down on her.

  “Very good,” I say.

  Her smile is the sexiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Damn. Okay. I’m assuming girls have gone down on you, too? And that you’ve gotten hand jobs?”

  I tense up a little. If I tell her the answer is no, will she figure out something’s wrong with me?

  Maybe. But all the same, I’ll tell her the truth.

  “No,” I say. “I’ve never gotten a hand job or a blow job.”

  I tense up even more, waiting for Tamsin to look at me like I’m a freak.

  “Wait a sec,” she says. “Are you telling me that you go down on girls but they don’t go down on you?”

  “Um. Yeah.”

  “How are you not the most popular guy on campus?”

  I relax a little.

  “Very funny,” I say. “But girls think it’s weird if you don’t want them to reciprocate. And they think it’s weird if you don’t want to have sex.”

  “Okay, that’s probably true. But you tell them why, don’t you? I mean…I’m assuming it has something to do with religion.”

  I’ve never been more tempted to tell that lie.

  “No. It’s not because of religion. I’ve just never had a hand job or blow job. That’s all.”

  I hope that’s good enough.

  It seems to be, because Tamsin’s moving on to other things. “So,” she says. “About coming over tonight…”

  I shake my head. “No way. I’ve got an early class tomorrow. If we’re really going to do this, I don’t want there to be anything on my mind but you.”

  A smile curves up those incredible lips. “I like the sound of that.”

  I clear my throat. “I’ve got an away game this weekend, like I said. But after that we’ve got a bye week. No game.” I pause. “I’m going to take you out next Saturday night.”

  She’s still smiling. “I notice that you can still swing the alpha male vibe…in spite of your lack of sexual experience.”

  I know she’s teasing, but something occurs to me. “Shit. I hope this goes without saying, but…I obviously don’t have any expectations. I mean, if you change your mind about the whole sex thing, that’s totally cool.”

  Her eyebrows go up. “I won’t change my mind, Mr. Bowman. What about you?”

  Given my history, changing my mind should be a distinct possibility. But as I gaze down into Tamsin’s beautiful eyes, I know it’s not.

  “I won’t change my mind.”

  “Then I guess it’s a date.”

  She pulls back, and I miss her hands on my body like warmth on a winter day.

  “I’ll see you in class on Thursday,” she says.

  “See you then, Tamsin.”

  She smiles at me one more time, turns, and leaves the theater.

  I’m left standing there, alone in the echoing silence.

  I should be terrified, and I suppose I am.

  But I’m also more excited for next Saturday than I’ve ever been for anything in my life.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Tamsin

  Ever since I met Rikki, I’ve trusted her. Over the last two years I’ve told her my hopes, my dreams, and every detail of my past. I’ve probably told her way more about myself than she ever wanted to know.

  But I don’t tell her that Daniel is a virgin.

  I tell her he’s taking me out again next Saturday night. I tell her I’m excited. But I don’t tell her what he told me about his sexual experience…or lack of it.

  I don’t know how to explain what I feel when I think about that. It’s a kind of tenderness. Protectiveness. It’s like the other side of that melting feeling that happens in my chest whenever Daniel says something sweet and chivalrous.

  He shared something personal with me, and I’m not going to tell anyone else.
/>   We see each other in class on Thursday night, but we don’t do a scene together. I’m grateful for that, because if we were on stage my feelings would show like a neon sign over my head. The few words we do exchange—Hey, how’s it going, not bad, how about you—feel heavy and charged with things we’re not saying.

  I don’t see him at all over the weekend, but I watch every minute of his away game on TV. Daniel plays for most of the third quarter. I honestly have no idea if he’s good or not, but the way his butt looks in his uniform is definitely good.

  I check in with Will, who tells me that Daniel made some excellent plays. I’m glad, because that gives me an excuse to DM him after the game.

  Congratulations on the win. You did great. How are you feeling? It looked like you took a couple of hard hits.

  After a moment, I send a second message.

  By the way, here’s my phone number if you want to text.

  I attach my contact info and hit Send again.

  As soon as I do, I regret it. Have I learned nothing from all my past relationships? Sounding overeager is a rookie mistake.

  Not that this is a relationship, of course. More of a teacher-student thing.

  But I still shouldn’t have sent a message. Daniel is probably hanging out with his teammates. He probably won’t even see this DM until tomorrow, which means I’ve condemned myself to a night of checking for a response that won’t come.

  Rookie mistake, Tamsin.

  Ding.

  I sit straight up in bed, so suddenly that Rikki, writing an essay at her desk, looks up from her laptop.

  “Something wrong?”

  “No, everything’s good.”

  I wait until she goes back to work. Then I open the text Daniel sent me.

  I kept meaning to give you my number and I kept forgetting. Thanks for sending me yours. Thanks for the congrats, too. Can I admit something? I was hoping you were watching that game, because I was in for ten minutes and didn’t do anything stupid.

  For some reason, this message makes tears prick behind my eyelids. But I’m smiling as I answer it.

  You were awesome, and I was very impressed in gender-normative fashion. Cue my girlish worship of your manliness on the football field.

  I pause and read that over. Then I add,

  But in all seriousness, you did a great job. And I’m glad you didn’t break any bones or anything.