Claire (Hart University Book 2) Read online

  Tamsin hugged me back. “I guess so.”

  A minute later we were in her room, her on her bed and me on Rikki’s.

  “Oscar isn’t coming back to Hart this year. He’s going to travel instead.” Tamsin grabbed a tissue from the box beside her bed and swabbed at the black mess under her eyes, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was making it worse. “I offered to go with him. To take the year off and follow him around South America like some kind of puppy dog. Pathetic, right? But he said no, this is his hero’s journey and he has to go alone.”

  I stared at her. “His hero’s journey? My God, that’s the most egotistical thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, Tamsin—I know you feel like shit right now, but I’m thinking you dodged a bullet here.”

  She blew her nose into the eyeliner-stained tissue. “You do?”

  “Are you kidding me? His hero’s journey? Take a second to contemplate the sheer unadulterated bullshit of that.”

  She looked down at the crumpled tissue in her hand. After a moment the corners of her mouth quirked up, and then she was laughing.

  I laughed, too. I laughed until my stomach muscles hurt, and it felt great.

  It was a catharsis.

  Maybe that’s what I’d wanted from Will this morning, when I’d fought the urge to crawl into bed with him and have rebound sex. A catharsis.

  But you can’t use people like that. You can’t use one guy to purge another guy from your system.

  I got up from Rikki’s bed and went over to Tamsin’s, sitting cross-legged beside her.

  “I have an idea.”

  Tamsin stopped laughing. “You sound serious.”

  “I am. I’m totally serious.” I grabbed her hands. “I think we should make a solemn vow.”

  “A solemn vow? Dude, I haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

  “No, listen. Listen.” I took a deep breath. “I think we should swear off men.”

  Tamsin looked horrified. “Are you nuts? A breakup is no reason to swear off men. That’s a massive overcorrection.”

  “Just give me a minute to make my case, okay? I swear I’m onto something here.”

  “How about we go down to the dining hall and you tell me over breakfast?”

  I was suddenly starving. “Okay. Deal.”

  A little while later our trays were full of eggs and pancakes and bacon and we were sitting at one of the small tables along the wall.

  “All right, lay it on me,” Tamsin said, stirring sugar into her coffee.

  I finished a bite of toast and leaned forward. “This isn’t an anti-man thing. This is a pro-us thing. Here’s my question. What would our lives be like if we didn’t pour so much energy into guys? Emotional energy, sexual energy, whatever? What if we put all that energy into ourselves? Our classes? Our creativity? Our friendships?”

  Tamsin took a gulp of coffee and set her cup down. “You know, I did read an article about tantric celibacy over the summer. I thought it was bullshit at the time but it’s kind of been percolating in my mind.”

  “Tantric celibacy? What’s that?”

  Tamsin poured maple syrup on her pancakes. “What you were saying. Taking sexual energy and turning it inward. Recycling it. Apparently it can unleash all sorts of inner power.”

  I slapped my palm on the table. “That’s what I’m talking about! Let’s do it.”

  “It sounds good right now, sure. But I don’t want to say yes, let’s do it and then give up in a week when I meet a hot guy at a party. Because, to be completely honest, I really like sex. I’m not sure I can go without it.”

  “I didn’t say it would be easy. But it’s worth a try. How about a semester? What if we commit to celibacy and singlehood for one semester? We can last that long. I know we can.” I paused. “And it’s not just sex. I mean, it’s not just about keeping men out of our bodies. It’s about keeping them out of our heads, too. And our hearts. And seeing what we can do when all that mental and sexual and emotional energy is freed up.”

  Tamsin shook her head slowly. “Damn, you’re inspiring when you get going. You really think we can do this?”

  “Absolutely. I know we can. Especially if we have each other to lean on. And we should let Rikki and Dyshell and everyone know what we’re doing. They’ll support us. If we feel like we’re weakening or something, we’ll have people to call or text or whatever. We can do this, Tamsin.”

  I went on. “And it doesn’t mean that guys can’t be in our lives. Just the opposite. Guy friends are okay. Maybe our relationships with guys can be even deeper and better like this. Don’t you think sex warps our perspective sometimes? I mean, even when I was with Ted, I sort of filtered guys through this sexual lens. Were they attracted to me? Would I be attracted to them if I wasn’t with Ted?”

  An image of Will from that morning flashed into my mind. “And I’d wonder what it would it be like with them. You know? And I’d kind of hope they were into me even though I wasn’t available. Like the more guys that want me, the more worthwhile I am. Which is fucked up.” I pushed my tray to the side and leaned forward, resting my forearms on the table and clasping my hands together. “We’re not worthwhile because we can attract guys, and we’re not worthless if we can’t.”

  “Of course not.” Tamsin finished her coffee in one long swallow. “And I’m not powerful just because I’m good in bed. That’s not the best thing about me.”

  “And our male friends deserve better from us. We should be able to focus on real friendship stuff with them, too.”

  “It is hard to do that sometimes,” Tamsin admitted. “I mean, the sex thing always seems to be there under the surface. Waiting to bubble up.”

  “I know. But we don’t have to let that be more important than everything else.”

  Tamsin nodded. “Okay, I’m in. This semester, sex and romance aren’t on the menu.”

  “We’ll focus on classes. Family. Friends. Music for me and theater for you.”

  “Yes. Except not family for me, because I hate them. But all the other stuff is cool.”

  I sat back in my chair. “Man, I feel empowered. Do you feel empowered?”

  “So empowered.”

  I held up a piece of bacon. “To the Semester of Us.”

  Tamsin grabbed a piece of her own bacon and tapped it against mine. “The Semester of Us.”

  Chapter Five

  I had strength training and practice that day, but Claire was all I could think about.

  I could still feel her in my arms. Her warmth and sweetness pressed against me… the rush of heat and hunger that made me harder than I’d ever been in my life.

  She’d taken off pretty fast that morning, which I understood. I was even glad, because Andre was right. I didn’t want to be Claire’s rebound. I didn’t want to be the next guy she was with.

  I wanted to be the last guy she was with.

  The problem was, I had no clue how to make that happen. Claire had just broken up with her boyfriend. How did I avoid being a rebound or landing in the friendzone?

  If the answer was not to see her for a while, then I was screwed. Because the only thing I wanted to do after practice was see Claire.

  After I showered and changed I went to the dining hall at Bracton for dinner. Claire wasn’t down yet, but it was still early. I headed up to her room and knocked on the door.

  “Come in!”

  Claire was sitting on the floor with her back against the bed, her guitar in her lap. She was wearing jeans and a Hart University T-shirt. Her feet were bare, and I noticed that her toenails were painted pink.

  If there was any doubt I was crazy about this girl it was now completely wiped away. After spending the night with her in my arms, even platonically, all I wanted to do was hold her again.

  I was like a magnet that only worked around Claire.

  “Hey,” I said, forcing myself to keep my distance.

  She scrambled to her feet and put the guitar on her bed. “What’s up? What are you doing here?”
r />   She sounded a little cautious. Was she nervous I might make a move? If so, it was a good thing I’d come prepared with a reason for stopping by.

  Her top from last night wasn’t much more than a scrap of material, and I’d been able to stuff it in my back pocket. Now I pulled it out.

  “I found your shirt this morning,” I said.

  She looked relieved, which wasn’t great for my ego. Was she that happy I wasn’t coming onto her?

  “Wow, I forgot I left it there. Thanks, Will.”

  “Sure.”

  I walked over and held it out. Our hands brushed when she took it, and a jolt of electricity shot through me.

  Did she feel it, too?

  She frowned and took a step back.

  Her eyes were on the shirt, which she was sort of squeezing in her hands. I had a chance to stare at her without her knowing.

  I’d never seen eyes that blue or lips that soft. I’d never known a girl with skin like Claire’s, skin that makes your palms itch and your whole body ache.

  “Are you going down to dinner?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she said, tossing the top onto her bed. “Have you eaten yet? Do you want to go down with me?”

  “Yeah, that sounds good.”

  “All right, let’s go.” She hesitated. “I’m glad you’re here, actually. I have a kind of announcement I want to make to everybody.”

  Up until that point, I’d been feeling pretty good. Just seeing Claire made it seem like everything was going to be okay, somehow.

  But now I felt a chill.

  What was she planning to announce? That she and Ted were getting back together? That she was dropping out of Hart? What?

  The thought of being here without Claire was painful. More than painful. I tried not to worry about it as we went downstairs to the dining hall, but I had to squeeze my hands into fists to keep from tossing Claire over my shoulder and carrying her off to my cave.

  I had to wait another ten minutes before I could find out what was up. The line for food was long, and then, once we were finally sitting down, Claire wanted to wait until everyone she was expecting was there.

  In the end it was Dyshell, Tamsin, Rikki, Sam, Julia, Mena, and Izzy. Most of the people I knew from Bracton.

  I knew some better than others. Mena was from London and planning to be a doctor, like Claire. Julia was the quietest one of the group, a redhead who was studying dance.

  Sam was the only other guy at the table. I liked him in spite of the fact that he preferred basketball to football, and when he and Rikki had hooked up last year it was a huge relief to everyone. I mean, unspoken love is romantic and all, but the way those two had fought their feelings during the whole first semester was enough to make you shoot yourself.

  When they’d finally gotten together, they’d done it with a vengeance. They were the most sickening couple on campus. Watching them now, it was obvious they were still totally and completely in love.

  Rikki’s roommate Tamsin was there, but not Tamsin’s boyfriend Oscar. I was worried that Claire would insist on waiting for him, too, but once Izzy joined us Claire tapped on her glass like someone about to give a toast.

  “Okay, you guys, here we go. Tamsin and I have made a decision.” She paused for emphasis. “We’re going cold turkey on relationships this semester. That includes hookups, one-night stands, love, romance, and everything in between. And we’re asking for your help. You can’t fix us up with anyone, even if you think they’d be perfect for us. And if we call you or text you to say we’re in danger—like, we’ve been drinking and there’s a cute guy and we’re about to succumb—you have to help us resist temptation.”

  There was a moment of silence around the table. The first one to break it was Dyshell.

  “Of course we’ll support you if you want to be single for a while. But—”

  Tamsin raised an eyebrow. “There’s a but?”

  “But you’re both dealing with breakups right now. Don’t you think you might be reacting to that?”

  Tamsin shook her head. “That’s part of it, sure. But it’s not the biggest part.” She waved a hand at Rikki and Sam. “These two are one thing. I mean, they’re perfect for each other. But they’re also independent, you know? Rikki was single for a long time before she finally got with Sam. I know Rikki’s fine on her own because I’ve seen her on her own. Sam, too.” She gestured at Julia. “You’re single, and you’re doing great. You’re focused on your classes and dance and all that.” She looked at Mena. “You’re pansexual or whatever, and you’re doing great too. You don’t do jealousy or dependence or anything like that. And Izzy, you’re in a long-distance thing with a guy from back home, right? And it doesn’t even faze you. Me, I used to get separation anxiety when Oscar went to the bathroom. That’s not healthy.”

  Claire nodded her agreement. “I’m the same way. I was so wrapped up in Ted, you know? We started dating when I was a sophomore in high school. We just had our four year anniversary. That’s, like, twenty percent of my life. And when he broke up with me, it was like the world had ended. Like I was empty inside.” She took a breath. “I don’t want to feel empty just because I’m not with a guy.” Her eyes met mine for an instant, and then she looked away. “And I don’t want to fill that emptiness with someone else just because I’m afraid to be alone. I don’t want to use anyone like that. And… and I want to find out who I am when it’s just me. You know?”

  “Of course,” Rikki said quickly. “I totally get what you mean. And we’ll be here for whatever you guys need.” She glanced around the table like a scout leader. “Right?”

  Nods of agreement from all of us. “Right.”

  Claire looked relieved. “Thanks, everybody.” She raised her soda glass. “Here’s to flying solo!”

  The rest of us raised our glasses. “To flying solo.”

  I was pretty quiet during dinner, but I didn’t think anyone noticed. Then, when I got up to leave, Claire got up too.

  “Are you going back to your place?” she asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Can I walk out with you?”

  “Sure.”

  It was twilight, and the air was cooler than it had been yesterday. We stood on the dorm steps for a moment, enjoying the breeze, and then Claire bumped my arm with her shoulder.

  “Could I talk to you for a sec? Before you go?”

  “Sure,” I said again, wondering what was coming.

  She sat down on the top step, tucking one foot underneath her. “I just wanted to thank you again for last night. I hope staying over like that didn’t send any mixed signals. You know, in light of, uh—”

  I sat down too. “Your celibacy pledge?”

  That made her smile. “Yes.”

  I stuck my hands in my pockets, staring up at the sky. It was only eight o’clock but the moon was already visible. It was a little more than half full—a gibbous moon, I remembered Sam telling us last year.

  “No mixed signals,” I said now.

  “Okay. Good.” A short pause. “Friends?”

  I turned and looked at her again. The truth was, I didn’t want to be friends with Claire Stone. But if that was my only option?

  It was better than nothing.

  “Friends,” I agreed.

  A smile spread over her face, and I decided it was a lot better than nothing.

  “Awesome. Because I want to go to your game next weekend.”

  Next Saturday was the first game of the season. “Seriously? You hate football.”

  “I don’t hate football exactly. I’m just not a fan. But part of my whole no-romance thing is wanting to be a better friend. When you’re all wrapped up in a relationship, you’re not the kind of friend you should be.” Her smile faded a little. “Or maybe that’s just me. I mean, Rikki’s still an awesome friend even though she’s with Sam. But I didn’t go to a single game of yours last year.”

  Considering I rode the bench all season, that was okay with me.

  Thinking abo
ut Claire at our season opener filled my head with stupid fantasies. Maybe if I played the game of my life, I could make Claire swoon with my awesome skills and heroic quarterbacking.

  Or, I could fuck up and throw six interceptions.

  But you don’t win football games by worrying about them.

  “My mom and stepdad are coming out,” I said. “They’re getting two of my four tickets. Do you want the other pair? You could bring Tamsin.”

  Claire smiled. “I think Tamsin knows less about football than I do. I’ll ask her, though—or maybe Rikki. Dyshell’s probably got a ticket from Andre, right?”

  “Yeah.” I was quiet for a moment. “I’m really glad you’re going. And you should hang out with us after the game.”

  “Who’s ‘us’?”

  “Some of the guys on the team. We’ll be at the house. Come by whenever you want.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “A party like last night?”

  “No, not like that. It’ll be a lot smaller. No band, no keg. I mean, there’ll be drinking, but it won’t be crazy.”

  A lock of her blond hair fell forward and she tucked it behind her ear. “That sounds fun. I’ll be there.”

  “Flying solo, right?”

  She punched me on the shoulder. “Are you making fun of me?”

  “No way,” I said with injured innocence. “I’d never make fun of you.” I paused. “Seriously, I think it’s great that you want to focus on yourself for a while. Your music and your classes and all that.”

  And then something happened. As I spoke those words, I realized I actually meant them.

  I did think it was great. Claire was an awesome person, and she deserved a chance to realize it. Maybe if she spent some time focusing on herself, she’d see what I saw.

  Her beauty. Her strength. Her talent.

  And if being her friend would help her see all that, then that’s what I’d be.

  Her friend.

  Chapter Six

  After Will left that night I felt depressed. I couldn’t figure out why until later, when I was in bed trying to fall asleep.

  My pledge was less than twelve hours old and my mind was filled with thoughts of a guy.